Wednesday, December 01, 2010


I can be sooo ridiculously out of sync with the world. Or the world with me? Either way, WTF.
I mean, I'd like to think I have friends, and indeed I am friendly with a bunch of people, but can I be sure that they would die or kill for me, or that I would deem them deserving of the same if they'd ask me to do it for them? They don't ask me, though. There is no occasion for either of us to ask each other, and that in itself is just weird. And nobody seems to take things seriously, either in terms of giving stuff thought or keeping to certain principles. Still, I willy-nilly do what I'm told in school (although without the perfectionism of the first year when I have thought that my teachers should be respected as authority figures - that is completely lost now, and with it most of my motivation, which should be something to worry about but I just can't worry about school that much anymore - circulus vitiosus, big time), because I have nothing else to do. Many actions seem to be either forbidden or so different than normal that it's just laughable. Even sex - it is supposed to be a relation between victor and victim, but people around me make it into a consensual affair which is alien, so alien that I wouldn't call it sex - I had no word for it before. And I see people who miss class or even work because they have a mild fever or something. At first it angered me, but now I just marvel at the naturalness with which they do it. And there is a gay friend of mine who watches his ex-boyfriend on Facebook using two alternate identities, and doesn't see anything wrong with that. He even manipulates people in order to retaliate for emotional damage the other boy caused him. My way of retaliation would be direct, violent and would involve no innocent bystanders pulled into it - and if for some reason it couldn't be done that way, I'd just let it slide (after a brief whining session, lol). Also, it feels unnatural if I have to pretend something, even (or especially) if it's for my best interest. (Had a hard time learning to not "always have the last word", too.) I don't know why, it's just the way I always worked. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like that, but those times are not frequent or pleasant.
Am I crazy or is it everyone else?


Prudence said...

I don't think it's an 'either-or' question - I think most people struggle with finding friends who would be there for them, regardless of circumstances. Most of the time you can't ask people outright what they think and feel - so much of human existence is guesswork.

rodiel said...

"you can't ask people outright what they think and feel"
Well, I can, but they don't answer honestly. Sneaky fuckers, lol.

Newcomer said...

sex is supposed to be between victor and victim? are you being ironic? wow, i hope so.

rodiel said...

When I'm being ironic in a post, I announce that. So, no. I'm being sincere.